"B is FOR..."

B is for Barry. And beautiful. And bugger!
My beautiful Dad, Barry has been afflicted with dementia! It's a bugger!
My gentle, no-nonsense, handle-everything Dad is now in a constant state of confusion. It is rare to be able to carry on a conversation which remains on track. He often won't recognise some of his grandchildren. He wakes at all hours and is instantly transported back to his days of milking cows and dancing to Notman's band in local halls. He becomes uncharacteristically snappy and frustrated and cannot understand why he has been given this diagnosis.
I have to admit that I am not handling it real well! I sort of didnt realise that until I was chatting to my Mum the other day! I was trying to convince her of things that she wasn't ready for with regards to Dad's care. But, as she inadvertantly made me see, it is I who is not ready!!
I feel guilty!
He is my Dad and I love him to bits! But, I have come to the realisation that I just couldn't handle something happening to him while I was looking after him!
I have lost three sons and, although I know that Dad has had a long, fruitful and happy life, I am just not ready for the inevitable and I am REALLY not ready for anything to go wrong while on my watch.
I know that's not fair on Mum in particular, or on any of my siblings! I know that airing this in public is not the best way to go.
But, for me, it is an admission!
I'm scared!
I don't think I could handle another tragedy or disaster.
I can support Mum in other ways. I can talk to Dad...he listens to me! I can visit and offer support and understanding! I can admire the strength and endurance Mum is being forced to show throughout this tough time...I just don't know about offering respite or care. 
So, to my family....Please understand!
I'll get there...I'm just not ready yet!