"CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS"

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I have always loved Christmas!!!
When I was little (and not so little) I would wake up in the wee, wee, small hours of the night on Christmas morning and then proceed to wake ALL of my brothers and sisters, too! 
After all, Christmas is no fun on your own! 
We would tiptoe down to the lounge room where we had all carefully placed our own chair with our own pillow slip in anticipation of a sack full of presents! (We must have been too poor to own Santa sacks!)
However, we were never too poor to be delighted with lots of toys and clothes and to share these joys with each other. I know that it was always me who woke the 'littlies' long after I stopped believing in Santa! It was, therefore, probably me who made Mum and Dad realise that putting our presents on the end of our bed was a far better option, as at least we would then only wake the siblings who shared a room with us. I'm not sure if that worked but it was a good plan!
Then, when my own children were little I would still be the first one awake, wondering when they were ever going to wake up to open their presents! I loved seeing the joy and delight on their little faces as they unwrapped their surprises!

I still love Christmas!
I love the overwhelming sense of family that comes with being together and giving. I love sharing the preparations and laughter that come with celebrating a delicious meal together. I love pulling Christmas crackers with others around the table and groaning over the silliness of the jokes contained within. 
I love the thought that goes into the gift giving, made even more special this year because SO many members of our family from all over the country have decided to join in.
I know that Christmas is precious! It's precious because it brings families together. It's precious because this togetherness is vulnerable. We don't ever know how long we are here on this earth so each Christmas could be our last or it could be the last with one or more of our loved ones. It's not a time to be thinking morbid thoughts! But it should be a time to celebrate ALL of our lives together just in case!!
To those who are no longer here to share this family time...I miss you!!! ...terribly! 
To those who are celebrating elsewhere, have a lovely day with each other. Make sure there is lots of love and laughter!
To those who are sharing my Christmas Day...thank you! I love you all SO much and I am looking forward to a great day! xxx

"TREE"

I love trees!
I'm not sure if it's my family history of bushworkers or whether it's the symbolism they bring to mind in the form of family trees, roots and branches.
I remember always relishing the challenge of getting a "Family Tree" assignment at school. I come from a family of ten children, my Dad is one of ten children and my Mum is one of six children! On my Dad's side of the family I have 34 cousins and on my Mum's side I have 23 cousins. You can see why it was a challenge...but I think the reward came in the form of amazement shown on the teachers' faces when I submitted the extra large pieces of paper all joined together to make sure that each and every one of my extended family was included! I loved it!!
 I have included the following photos because they bring back memories which are important to me and which involve trees in some form or another.

Our first house in Scenic Rd had a lovely big wattle tree in the back yard. John built a tree house in it which had a slide attached to it. The kids spent endless hours in this tree. It was a happy place! This picture shows Jake with his cousins, Simon and Peter, monkeying around in the tree.

 

This photo was taken the day after Sian's 21st birthday in January, 2011. My family met at my sister Kerryn's place to celebrate another sister, Julie's, 50th birthday. This lovely shady tree has a bench seat built around it and was perfect for a fun family photo. Unfortunately, not everyone was there but it does include all of my brothers and sisters and my Mum, Dad, daughter and some nieces and nephews.

This is a photo of "The Tree of Life" which is displayed in the foyer of the Victorian Institute of Forensic Medicine in Melbourne. My Mum and I attended a ceremony there to honour all those who donated organs or tissue in 2011. Each leaf on the tree represents a donor for that year. One of the gold leaves near the top of the tree has Jake's name on it as he posthumously donated tissue to brain research. The tree stands over two metres tall and we found it very fitting that we could barely reach Jake's leaf. He was SO tall!!

NOVEMBER 11th

Today marks exactly thirteen years since John's dad passed away. Yesterday would have been his 96th birthday. It doesn't seem that long since we have had him in our lives but I know that even thinking that is a good thing, as it means that our memories of him are still alive and vivid.
For the last three years of his life he was bedridden but his dementia prevented him from realising that. A blessing in disguise. It was not a life of quality but he was completely unaware of the straits he was in. He enjoyed having visitors but often wouldn't know who his visitors were. He would ramble on about the volkswagen he had parked in the driveway or the girls he would meet down at the railway yard. At one stage he even thought that I was one of those girls! These were all memories from his youth back in Holland. he didn't know Sian and Jake as they were his youngest grandchildren and, therefore, they were a part of his short-term memory which had all but disappeared.
In cases like this I think dementia is a godsend!! Having dementia prevented him from despairing over a life lived on a mattress. The downside is more for those witnessing this decline. His family and friends could see the deterioration in their loved one. They were his own sons, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren who often went unrecognised. And therein lies the sadness of dementia..it is not for the bearer, it is for those who witness and care for that state in one who was previously vibrant, alert and a part of their actuality.

Today also marks exactly 18 months since our beautiful son took his own life. He too is always in our hearts and on our minds and it still seems so unreal that he is not here with us!
Let us hope that the place these loved ones now reside in allows them to be healthy in mind and body. Let's hope that they are all together and that Jake is now testing his quick-wit on an Opa and a great Grandpa who were both full of fun and trickery, on an Oma who will just adore him because he is her grandson, on a Grandnan who cuddled him and loved him and with his brothers who can help him fill the heavens with cheeky grins and laughter and love!
We miss you all ! xxx

"SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "C"

It's Concert time at school at the moment!!... the bane of most teachers!!!
Our concert is not for another 3 weeks but already its time to have planned what your little darlings are going to do and put the plan into action!!

I seem to have had no trouble deciding what to do this year but that is the easy part!
I decided to have all of the children play the part of grannies and grandpas. Then I wanted to have them singing "When I'm 64" by the Beatles. To add a bit of interest I've broken the song up into two parts and taken out the slower bit in the middle. Then I have inserted exerpts from Margaret Wild's "Our granny" into the middle.

All that is also fine!! The kids love the song and have learned the words very quickly! The girls are keen to do the "Our Granny" bit and should cope quite well with that!!

BUT... our first few rehearsals have been a disaster!!!!

They can sing the song, they can say the words but they can't follow directions on the stage!!
In order that everyone had a turn at the front of the stage I had two lines of boys at the front to start with. All they had to do was sing the song with a few basic actions and then follow the leader to the back line so that the next line could move forward. But, they couldn't follow the leader!!! One boy who had not had enough sleep stood there and stared into space, another boy stopped to chat to a mate on the way, and then a boy from the second row decided to follow the first row and I ended up with no boys at the front and half of them milling around at the back wondering where to go!  (They had been shown a number of times!!) Several practices later and nothing had improved!!! Back to the drawing board!!!

Today I put them into ONE long boring line with the boys interspersed with the girls!! Each child has a walking stick to use as their ONLY prop and ... it worked!! We have a long way to go but they managed to sing the song, say the words, do a couple of basic actions and stay in line!!! Woohoo!!
I will try to introduce a couple more actions once they have got these simple actions down pat and then I will totally be relying on "the cute factor" and the PowerPoint presentation I have decided to have showing behind them to detract from their ineptness...or is it mine??? Sounds more like it!! Concert!!!... definitely NOT my forte!!

"PEOPLE"

People can be so lovely!! And their loveliness can be the undoing of me!
Last night I posted a status bemoaning the fact that I no longer had my right-hand man when it came to editing music for my class act at the school concert.
 Jake always took the time to patiently cut, paste, listen and change my music choices at least half a dozen times before I would finally be satisfied that it was 'just right". He did it so easily!!
When I got to work this morning I was greeted by a colleague who had read my post and wanted to reassure me that "they" would get it done for me!! "They" being the computer-savvy Simon from Grade 5!
Their smiles and reassurance were the undoing of me!! After saying my thanks I hurried off to the staff room and promptly burst into tears!! Thankfully, that is the very first time that has happened!
I think the combination of missing my boy and people being so ready to help and so helpful was just too much!
Aren't people wonderful?!!  And aren't I lucky to have such caring colleagues?

"THE VIEW FROM HERE"

This is the view we get from over our back fence or from the desk in the study! Not a bad view if I do say so myself!!
However, I did hear more rumours today that the farm may be sold for development soon.
A pity!! Let's hope it takes many years to come to fruition!

"CALM"

Today we celebrated my Dad's 80th birthday!
I'm so glad we got to do that as I am very conscious of the fact that there are a lot of people in this world who do not get to do that because their dad's are no longer around to do that with!
Sadly, my dad is gradually losing his memory and has good days and bad days. Today was a good day. He wore a smile all day and loved the attention he received from his children, his grandchildren, his sister, his nieces and nephew and his friends.
And, throughout it all he wore his traditional 'calm'.
My dad has always been a very calm person. He has always been a steady influence in times of crisis and I would love to think that I have inherited even an ounce of his calmness! 
Lately, the frustrations of not remembering the right words or forgetting the 'little' things in his life have undone the 'calm' to a certain extent.
But, that's ok! He is, after all, 80 years old!!
What a wonderful achievement!!
Happy Birthday to the best Dad in the world!! xxx

"MADE ME SMILE TODAY"

I asked one of the little boys in my grade if he had been sick yesterday as he had been absent. His reply was "No I had fleas!"
It made me smile...he had nits!!

 Today my nephew Vinnie put up a You Tube post of Lano and Woodley in their "Sarcasm" skit. It made me smile 'cause Jake used to do that sarcastic voice and facial expression to a tee!! It was his trademark!!

After repeatedly asking the parents of another boy to get their son's eyes tested they finally did it today!! This poor child has been getting up out of his seat to look at the board since about March or April. I had asked his parents to do something about it countless times to no avail! Then I got the Principal to ring them!! Surprise, surprise...they made the appointment straight away!
Then the Mum brought her little boy back to school bearing a chocolate just for me! That made me smile!
The chocolate was accompanied by an apology. Mum was sorry that she hadn't responded to my requests but she had had his eyes tested only 18 months earlier and there had been nothing wrong with his eyesight!! Duh!! Kids eyes can change in the space of 3 weeks!
And yes...her son has severe short-sightedness!!
I like it when I'm right!!! It makes me smile!!

"FRUIT"

I love fruit!!!
It's my favourite type of food!!
Even as a teenager when my parents owned a Milk Bar/General Store and my sisters were stealing packets of cigarettes, I would be the one stealing the fruit! Well, it wasn't actually stealing because we were allowed to eat the fruit! (My sisters were stealing though!!)
My favourite fruits are probably kiwi fruit and raspberries!! Mmmm!
At the moment my breakfast each morning consists of fresh banana, blueberries, strawberries and kiwifruit topped with a muesli topper! It's yummy!!
I have fruit with every meal and feel like I have missed something if I don't have it!

"SOMETHING YOU WROTE"

I have been writing this blog since March 11th and I missed my fist day just this week.
Writing has, unexpectedly, proved to be the best therapy for me! I can pour out my memories or my feelings or my daydreams in a paragraph or two and can even share my thoughts with friends if they care to read them.
 I felt a bit guilty not writing the other night but I think I bamboozled myself by having a preconceived idea about what I wanted in that blog. It revolved around a photo which I couldn't find so then I was lost! I should have done my usual trick and just started writing and the words would have eventually flowed. Never mind!
Now I've done it again. I remembered a poem I wrote to Sian shortly after she was born. I have it somewhere but do you think I can find it? It must be in a safe place!! I will have to add it if I ever find it!!

"DINNERTIME"

Sian cooked us a BBQ dinner tonight. It was the first time she had ever used the BBQ and she did a great job!! We had lamb chops with BBQ'd potato thins, cabbage stir-fry and a pasta salad. It was yum!!
It was a far cry from a 42 degree day when the sky quickly turned from a bright blue to a dark orange-grey! Bushfires burned all around and we spent the day sweltering and putting out live embers. It was frightening and very, very HOT!
But what was Jake doing?
He was cooking a BBQ for his sister and her friends because it was too hot for them, so they paid him to do it!! Anything for some pocket money!

"MAKES YOU LAUGH"

I hope these make you laugh!!

Yes, Jake...you are the tallest cousin! You didn't need to do that with your hair!

With his Uncle "Funny Mick" at a Van Berlo family wedding.

It's what you do at a wedding!!

He loved ALL of his mates!!...a lot!!

Smile for the camera, Jake!

Did he surprise himself by doing homework? Not likely!

Looking at life through rose-coloured glasses!

Always the clown!

He used to make us giggle so much!! What a grubby bubby!

Just sitting around watching TV

Infectious grin! Gorgeous!

"ON THE TABLE"

We have been out for dinner tonight to celebrate the 50th birthday of John's previous boss. It was a surprise and was held in a restaurant in Berwick.
On our table were nine people I had never met but who were all very chatty and friendly so it didn't really matter. At one end of the table were the guys 'in the industry' (ie they all worked in the electrical wholesale industry) so there was a lot of 'shop' talk.
At the other end was a family who happened to be the birthday boy's neighbours. They too were very friendly and obviously provided the street they live in with a lot of laughs and fun!
We met the teenage sons of the host. What lovely boys they were! The nineteen year old stood up and told his dad that he loved him as part of his speech and both boys kissed their little toddler cousins goodnight as they left. A good sign, I reckon! Both boys were lady-killers, too! They had laughing eyes and big smiles and related easily to all those around them! Their parents should be proud!

"CLOSE-UP"

I had a very 'close-up' reminder of a memory of Jake today!! (I know..it's not the best use of the topic word but I wanted to share this memory so it will have to do!!)
On advice from a senior staff member I had to write a note home to the parent of a child in my class. This little boy had snapped his new writing pencil in half (as mentioned in my previous post) and, as this was not the first time, it was suggested that he do some chores at home to earn the money required for the replacement of the pencils. So, I penned the letter knowing full well that I will get complete support from home but also knowing that this parent will suppress a little giggle at our choice of consequence which, of course, is of benefit to her!
This brought back memories of receiving a very similar letter when Jake was in Grade 1. That letter asked that Jake earn the money to replace Cameron's lunchbox which had been destroyed when Jake played footy with it! ...as you do!!
The only difference between little Jake and big Jake was that Jake was mortified that he had done something naughty at school when he was that age....it would not have worried him once he got to secondary school!!!

"EMOTIONS"

I think you've heard enough about my emotions but, for an update, they are still a little unpredictable at times.
Instead I will talk about the emotions that were unleashed in my classroom today!
My teaching day today was witness to a range of different emotions amongst the seven and eight year olds in my classroom.
I saw tears of disappointment when one child realised she was beginning at the bottom of the ladder in a challenge game. These tears quickly turned to joy when she discovered that being at the bottom meant she could challenge first. So, she immediately challenged the person at the top and won! Overjoyed!
I saw stifled tears as another child couldn't handle being beaten in the same challenge game. This same child is one of the reasons I have decided to introduce a challenge game as I have several children who cannot handle losing! They need to build resilience!
I saw excitement and sheer pleasure as we sang Happy Birthday to one little boy and then did "The Birthday Slam" with him!
I saw wonder and amazement when we learned that some insects with compound eyes can see the same thing thousands of times.
I saw anger and defiance as a little boy refused to explain the reasons behind his third 'snapped' pencil in as many weeks. His eventual response was "It snapped when I sat on it!!" ...Well stop sitting on all of your pencils!!
I saw smiles of happiness as we read a Dr Seuss book and had a giggle together.
I saw the shrink of embarrassment as a little girl's dad came in to ask a question. It was a perfectly reasonable question but this particular child always seems to be embarrassed by the interest shown by her parents in her schooling.
Emotional day really!!

"RED"

I don't often turn red when I am embarrassed but there have been a few red-faced moments in my life and in the lives of people I know.
On our wedding day John and I were seated in two old chairs beside the altar in the church whilst the priest did the sermon. These chairs had wooden arms and cushioned seats.
The problem was that the chairs had been placed about sixty centimetres apart which we felt was too far. We were behind the priest so we decided to shuffle the chairs closer together while he was delivering the sermon. The red-faced moment occurred when the arm of the chair broke during the shuffle! How embarrassing!

A colleague of mine took her class for their swimming lesson in the days when teachers had to actually teach the skills themselves. This poor lady couldn't believe her luck when the children in her group all appeared to be concentrating very hard..for once!! But, imagine how 'red' she must have felt when she realised that her bikini top was down around her waist!! How embarrassing!

I attended a teacher's conference quite a few years ago where the keynote speaker was a guru in the world of childhood behaviour issues and the author of some well-known books. My colleagues and I were seated in the front row only about 2 metres from this poor lady. She must have thought all her wisdom on behaviour had disappeared as her audience was NOT behaving very well!! We were rudely trying very hard to suppress our laughter as she had toilet paper coming out of the bottom of her trousers!! How embarrassing!

"ANGLE"

A viewing angle gave cause for a good laugh tonight.
Sian's friend Simon was visiting and noticed our new water feature which he hadn't seen before. He wandered over to take a closer look and stood up on the concrete seat just in front of the water feature. He adopted a wide-legged stance as he smoked his cigarette and took in all there was to see of our tribute to Jake.
The funny part was that from where we stood at the back door our viewing angle allowed us to see only Simon's back, his legs apart and a trickle of water between his legs. Very funny!!

This same water feature was photographed shortly after it was installed and the angle of the camera combined with the sunlight gave us a beautiful photo. A 'blessing' of light symbolises appreciation of our new garden ornament!

"LIGHT"

I think it was Sean who put his whole hand around a light globe in a bedside lamp when he was little. The main problem with this was that the light had been ON for quite a while and he ended up with massive blisters on the tip of each finger! Ouch!! But, on the up-side...it would have increased his chances of becoming a criminal, had he chosen that career path, as his finger prints must surely have been compromised!

I remember having a teddy bear night-light when I was little. I think they were quite fashionable at the time but were later banned for being unsafe. I don't ever remember being afraid of the dark so I'm not sure if that was the reason for the night-light. Perhaps Mum could throw some 'light' on that one!

I went through a stage in my early twenties where I was making Tiffany lampshades left, right and centre. They were very popular in the eighties and quite easy to make so I was making them for anyone who wanted one.

We have lived in our current house for a little over a year now and the main reason we chose this for our new abode was that it was a lovely, sunny, light-filled house that just instantly cheered us all up! Just what was needed!!

"I'M THANKFUL FOR..."

I'm thankful for...

• the life I live now.
• having such a loving and understanding husband.
• my beautiful daughter.
• getting the chance to meet my gorgeous sons.
• having almost 20 years with my Jake.
• being brought up in a family where being together signified the most fun of all.
• scoring the best Mum and Dad anyone could ever have.
• having so many brothers and sisters.
• my health.
• belonging to a culture where peace is foremost and acceptance is the norm.
• having so many relations.
• my resilience.
• my sense of humour
• the health of my husband and daughter.

I'm thankful!!

"SHADOW"

I have been looking up information on insects today, prior to teaching the kids at school a bit about these fascinating creatures.
My favourite would have to be the stick insect. They are amazing in their ability to blend so well with their environment and to look exactly like the twigs and leaves that surround them. They feel all tingly on your skin when they crawl up and down your arm and some of them have really big, bubbly eyes that peer endlessly.
But, the thing that most appeals is that their shape reminds me of the shadow given off by a tall, handsome, gangly young lad with a big smile and a big heart! My son!!

"WHAT YOU READ"

I am reading a series of books called "A Song of Ice and Fire". It is a five volume series and I am only halfway through Book Two.
These books have really sucked me in but they are completely different to the stuff I usually read. They are set in ancient times with servants and slaves and kingdoms marching to war against each other with their banners held high. There are seven kingdoms in all but the lead kingdom is ruled by a cruel boy who, unbeknownst to himself and many from the other kingdoms, is a bastard, so he is not the rightful heir.
There is magic and dragons interwoven into the plot so it is really different but I am enjoying the story development. It took me a while to work out the storyline as there are so many main characters and the chapters are told from different perspectives.
I love it when a book sucks me in so these holidays have been most enjoyable!!

"THIS HAPPENED TODAY"

Well, we've done it!!
We've decided on two things today.
We have organised all the panels, etc for our solar electricity and we have decided to accept the quote we got for curtains and blinds in the lounge room, the family room and our bedroom.
I haven't signed on the dotted lines yet but that will be done tomorrow!
There is really nothing wrong with the curtains we have but they are so out of date. The family room is currently all floral, the lounge room is a lilac colour and the bedroom has a grey floral on one window and nothing on the new window.
So, I have ordered neutral coloured drapes for the family room and Venetian blinds for the front room and our bedroom.
I think I am most excited about the blinds in the front room as they will give the room a totally different look. I hope it's a good one!
As for the solar panels, my main hope is that our electricity bills are drastically reduced!!
It's all happening here!!

"LUNCHTIME"

Most of my lunchtimes are dictated by the ringing of a bell. Sound familiar?
Yes, teachers are as well trained as Pavlov's dog!!
He was conditioned to salivate on the ringing of a bell. I'm not sure that I actually salivate but when that bell rings at 1:30pm I am usually well and truly ready to eat.
I'm not a big sandwich person so if there are no leftovers from the night before my lunch will usually be rice or corn cakes with cheese and tomatoes or something similar.
For John, lunchtime is whenever he can get a few spare minutes to eat.
Maybe he needs a bell?!!

"WHERE YOU STOOD"

Today I stood at the back door and looked at all the new spring growth on the trees and shrubs in our garden.
The maple trees have got shiny pink and green leaves on them. The rhododendron has giant pink flowers on it. The fruit trees are in blossom and the weeping birch has bright green leaves all over it. The magnolia has almost finished flowering and there are new leaves bursting out of their jackets. And my favourite tree of all, the Forest Pansy, has got it's first dark pink blossom just forming.
From where I stood I could see these spring heralds and I could hear the water in our new water feature as it trickled from the top bowl down to the bottom.
It's a lovely garden! Not our doing but very soothing and VERY therapeutic!

"ME, THEN"

Once upon a time I was able to hold my beautiful, identical twin boys and marvel at how perfectly formed they were and what good weights they were for twins. I cried for all the lost moments we would wonder about for eternity.
Once upon a time I held another little, tousle-haired, blue-eyed boy as he fed continuously and kept me awake for nights on end. I laughed with him and challenged his curiosity and tried to answer his infinite stream of questions as he grew to be a charming, talented young man.
That was me, then!
I can still recall those precious moments like they were yesterday.
Once upon a time I cried tears of happiness when I heard my little baby girl cry for the first time. I felt guilty that a sound that called for a basic need could bring me so much joy! But, to me, at that time, it was the best sound ever!! I couldn't get enough of her perfectly-formed smile and her bright eyes.
That was me, then!
Now,... I still can't get enough of her gorgeous smile and her big, blue eyes. I hate to see her crying but I love just being there when she needs me! I am amazed at how lucky I am to be the Mum of such a well-rounded individual.
I am a Mum to four very beautiful children!!
But me, NOW is just thankful for every minute I have had with each of my boys and for every minute I get to spend with my girl and my man!
That's me...NOW!

"ERRAND"

"Mum, can you please bring me a change of clothes?"
I ran my errand for the day when Sian called and asked me to bring her some other clothes so she could go out with the girls! I was most proud of the fact that I found all the right clothes! No easy feat!!
My other very important errand for the day was to buy a birthday present for my baby sister. It is her birthday tomorrow...her most favourite day of the year! Clare will be 36 (I think). She has Down Syndrome and is a very special sister. She loves birthdays and food more than anything in the world. And, although she has seven sisters, she always writes "Happy Birthday to my favourite sister" in our cards every time any of us has a birthday! Of course, we make a big song and dance about it and jeer at the others, letting them know that we are the favourite. But, we all know that we are only the 'favourite' because it is our birthday.
Tomorrow it's HER day, so...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVOURITE SISTER!! xxx

"A GOOD THING"

I know a 'good thing' when I see it!!
I know that I have been, and continue to be, VERY lucky that my children have always been so communicative and caring.
Sian shows a maturity way beyond her years at times. She is able to very quickly sift through the bullshit that accompanies some people and, thus avoids having fools in her life...wherever possible!
She treats people with the respect they deserve and has truly become a very well-rounded and confident young adult. In the past few months she has been through some very tough times but has remained supportive of those who need her, has coped with emotional adversity and continues to view life with a positivity that many, in the same situation, would find impossible!
Jake obviously couldn't cope with adversity but he too was a son that anyone would have been proud to 'own'. He was caring and communicative and truly loved those who were lucky enough to be 'chosen' as a part of his life. Many of his friends have spoken of a mate who always listened in their times of need, who would put an arm around them if they needed a hug and who brought a laugh and a smile to those who frowned. He was the same with his family!
I know that others are not so fortunate in their relationship with their children...I know I have a 'good thing'!

"LOVE / HATE"

I love writing this blog and sharing my thoughts with anyone who cares enough to read them!
But, I hate that it has become an obsession!!
I considered not writing anything tonight because I really couldn't think of anything to match this topic! I have not missed a day of writing since March 11th this year and actually feel guilty that I even considered missing tonights entry!!
I really would love to write a book and have it published. I know that's not as easy as it sounds but I enjoy writing. I just have absolutely no idea how to go about getting my writing published though.
I'm not silly enough to think that these blogs are 'book' material but I would love to write a children's novel. I have even written down a few thoughts regarding characters and plots.
Is there anyone out there with insight as to how to be published?

"NEAR"

I'm a bit obsessive these days!
I like my family to be near and go into panic mode if I don't know where they are! I realise that I can't do that to them though, so I try very hard to let them go without appearing to be too protective.
They are both very patient with me and are very good at letting me know where they are and how they are feeling.
There is nothing better than having your loved ones near. There are often times when I can 'feel' my boys near me. It is a comforting feeling but not quite good enough!!

"FRAME"

I have some very special pictures in frames in my home.
I have a lovely picture of my Mum and Dad amongst the black-and-white frames in the front room. In this group of pictures there are also frames containing pictures of Sian, Jake, John's Mum and Dad and one of myself with all of my siblings cavorting in a tree with Mum and Dad and Sian and many of my nieces and nephews.
Beside my bed is a frame containing a sepia photo of Jake playing the guitar when he was about sixteen years old. You can only see his side profile and the photo was taken on an old mobile phone so the picture is a bit grainy but I love it!
Inside the front door and to the right there is a frame displaying my favourite picture of Sian and Jake together and on the wall opposite is a photo taken by John of a tree and its reflection.
Our sideboard holds a myriad of pictures from when the kids were little. It also houses frames containing pictures of Toby and Nick, John's parents and my Nan.
It is a little world of framed memories!

"3 THINGS"

I have 3 angels watching over me!
Some may say that I'm lucky and I suppose I am in a way! But I would far rather they were here so I could watch over them!
They are not really 'things' as such but 'things' and memories are all we have left to remind us of how special they each were.

I think that the 3 things most important to me are family, friends and laughter. I would have said love instead of laughter but my idea of family and friends speaks loudly of love without even stating the obvious! I really do believe that laughter should be included, as a world without laughter would be almost as bad as a world without family and friends.
We all need a giggle. We need to be able to laugh at ourselves and each other in a way that bonds us together.

"BEFORE BEDTIME"

Before bedtime every night the kids would clamour for a story. When they were toddlers they wanted stories read to them. Jake's favourite, as a toddler, was "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". We read it so often to him that he was convinced he could read because he knew every word off by heart!
When Sian was younger than 12 months old she loved a book called "Peek-a-Boo" which had two folding hands in it. These opened and closed to reveal the animal or the person hiding on the page. She just giggled every time they said, "Peek-a-Boo".
Then a bit later she loved the nursery rhyme books and one that Jake had called "This is the Way we Go to Bed" or something like that!
However, once they got to school age they would ask me to tell them a made-up story. I had originally made up a story about a dragon which Jake named 'FireSev'...(don't ask me why!) From then on every story had to have FireSev on an adventure with two children named Sian and Jake. There were some nights when my brain just could not come up with yet another new adventure!!  It was worse than Home and Away! But I'm so glad now that I am able to have that memory and to feel comfort in the fact that we had so many, many precious moments together!
'Before bedtime' didn't just involve me and the kids! John was always roped in to do what the kids called "The Teddy Bear thing".
After their stories they would hop into their own beds and wait for John to come in and say goodnight. In each room he would have to do this "Teddy Bear thing". This involved their teddy bears 'talking' (in a voice remarkably like Ted E Bear from the Straussman shows) and saying silly things to them. They would be in fits of laughter (after I had calmed them with a story) and it was always funny because the child who was waiting his or her turn would also be giggling in anticipation.
They were magic moments! Very precious memories!!

"UP"

I'm scared of heights so being 'up' high doesn't do much for me!!
But, I have been to some places where you do have to venture upwards in order to experience the most of what there is to see.
I have been 'up' the Eiffel tower, although we were not allowed past the second level. I'm not sure why or whether that is just standard procedure.
I have been 'up' the Rialto tower in Melbourne. It was quite breathtaking watching a helicopter fly past at the level we were standing on.
I have been up Mt. Rigi in Switzerland. And just getting there was a feat in itself as those cable cars are not for the faint-hearted and definitely not geared for the 'scared-of-heights' population! But the views and the atmosphere in general were not to be missed!
I have been up in the mountains behind Chiang Mai where the poppy's are grown and the villagers all wear brightly-coloured clothing and smile with dark brown teeth.
I have been 'up' on a skywalk in Tasmania but I have to admit that I couldn't walk out on the swinging arm at the end of it as the wind was blowing it from side to side. So, us girls frantically watched as Jake and John traversed the swaying arm to peer down into the Huon River a hundred metres below.
There are just times in your life when you have to take the risk or miss out on the 'ups'!!

"SOMETIMES"

Sometimes I get so annoyed at people complaining about their so-called "shit" lives when all they are really grizzling about is their misbehaving teenagers or their car problems. How can that equal a "shit life"?
Some people have no idea!!
In this country most of us have three good meals a day, we have gender equality, we have freedom of speech, we have education for all of our children, we have a comparitively good economy and we have jobs.
But, more importantly, if you have teenagers of your own to whinge about then you should be counting your lucky stars!! Not giving up on them, not palming them off on to someone else, not arguing with them at their every move!
Yes, many of them go through a "phase" of being little shits and it's hard work at times. You really do have to pick your fights! But, they're yours and the few years of neanderthal grunts, selfish behaviour  and "whatever" attitude is all part of them testing the waters (and you). Eventually, they remember that they are 'yours' and start to show you that they care! What a wonderful feeling that is!!
'Sometimes' we all just need a reality check!! ... and a hug!

"MAN-MADE"

When our kids were little a lot of their toys were 'man-made' by their Dad.
Sian's first table and chair set, the wooden mobiles in the corner of their bedrooms, the tree house in the back yard, the doll's bed where Sian put her dolls and her little brother to bed, the pull-along toys, the deck around the pool and the train engine to climb on... to name just a few.
Sian and Jake and the multitude of day-care kids who were in John's care had countless hours of joy from his efforts.
Then there was the "lovely" bar made by Jake and his mates in woodwork classes at school. How they ever got approval to build that I will never know. And how we got sucked into having it at our place will remain mystery number two!
Lovely memories though!!

"UNDERNEATH"

Underneath it all I think I'm doing okay!!
There are times when the slightest little thing can trigger a memory that sees the tears (which are hiding just beneath the surface of control) flow readily. There are the special occasions which have to be celebrated without you and which make the emotions a bit fragile. There are the events where one or other of us will say, "Jake would have loved that!" and which, again, bring the memories and tears to the foreground.
But, when I think about it, I wouldn't want those memories to disappear. I wouldn't want to not include you in our everyday conversations. I wouldn't want to forget the things you once enjoyed. Underneath it all, the memories are what keep you alive in our hearts and minds. So, the hurt that those memories bring forth from underneath a semblance of calm and control, is actually a good thing!!
Underneath it all I think we're all okay! I think we have to be!!

"PRICE"

What is the price of happiness?
Well, I know better than most that the ultimate price is life. Luckily that is for a minority!
The price of happiness is probably different for everyone.
For some, that means sitting by a river with a worm on a hook, or partying all night or travelling the world.
For me, now, the price of happiness means foregoing about $20,000 /year in order that I get to spend more time with my family. I no longer spend my Sunday doing a work program. Instead that is done on a Tuesday while Sian and John are at work and uni. This gives me more time for the 'me' things in my life. At the moment that means some reading, some visiting, some mother/daughter time and some retail therapy. Eventually I'd like to write a book and I'd like to do an art course or two in mixed media collage or painting.
But, all in good time.... my time!!

"IN MY FRIDGE"

In my fridge there is a wheel of 'Fire Engine red' cheese given to us by my brother Sean, who is a cheesemaker. It is a favourite of John's who only really discovered cheese a little over 12 months ago. Unusual for a Dutchy I would think!
It goes well with the white wine that is also in my fridge..but even better with a nice Briarose red or an Arrowsmith which can be found in the wine collection.
These days there are usually some leftovers in my fridge as well! It's quite hard to cook for three as most recipes cater for four people. I guess we are also just not used to the fact that our 24-hour food disposal chief is no longer available to get rid of the leftovers in his lunch break!
I don't think we'll ever get used to that!!

"STRANGE"

Don't you think it's strange that we have to show so many forms of ID to prove who we are in situations such as banking, passport applications, house purchasing, etc? Yet I could walk into any one of these institutions wearing a burqa and no-one would be able to question whether my ID matched my facial features! Where is the security in that?
I am not being racist...I am being realistic! Anyone could be under those layers of dark-coloured material!
John and I recently had to prove that we were John and Ann-Maree Van Berlo in order to officially change our names to John and Ann-Maree Van Berlo. This had to be done for security reasons in order that we are legally allowed to apply for Australian passports. It was quite ridiculous and strange and quite expensive, but was the result of John's birth certificate being in the name of Johnny Berlo. His parents had dropped the Van for a short period of time after their arrival in Australia. John was unaware of this and had always been known as John Van Berlo. That is security at its best!!
It's a strange world sometimes!

"FIRST THING YOU SEE"

The first thing I see when I wake up in the morning is the light streaming through the little window which we have had added to our bedroom. Our room was once quite dark all the time, and I just love light-filled rooms, so we have put a long, narrow window in on the west-facing wall of the bedroom. At the moment it has no blind or curtains so the light comes in as soon as it can every morning. I love it!!
I probably won't love it in a couple of months time though so I'd better do something about dressing it!

"FAVOURITE"

My favourite things change depending upon the circumstances.
Take my favourite song...I love "Pleasure & Pain" if I am in the car by myself where I can turn the volume up full bore and blast it out whilst singing along...at full volume as well! I did try it a few times while the kids were in the car but Jake used to do that, "Mum, don't sing!" thing whenever it was my turn to sing the chorus! Can't understand why!
But, if I am sitting quietly at home I like listening to a variety of favourites such as Billy Joel or Rod Stewart or Dr Hook (showing my age here aren't I?) I enjoy Jason Mranz and Elton John. There are lots of songs I like but not being very musical I couldn't tell you who sings them.
If I am gardening or doing something mundane like painting I like listening to some Strauss.
It really does change with the situation.
About 25 years ago I read a book called "The Bone Collector". I still count it as one of my favourites, only because it stuck in my head for so long. I have always loved murder mysteries but since Jake's death I find myself sticking to more mushy things which were never previously in my repertoire. I just can't hack the deaths involved in my once-favourites. Now, I am enjoying a run of Nora Robb books and have even ventured into some fantasies. So you see, even favourite books are circumstantial.
My favourite colours are Autumn colours such as burgundy and burnt orange.
My favourite thing to teach is Maths. I was an ok Maths student at school, never brilliant and I didn't take it through to Year 12. But, teaching it at Primary level is fun! I rarely have the kids doing written computations but just love the activities and games which allow kids to see maths as fun!
My favourite people are, of course, my husband, my beautiful girl, my angels and my family and friends. They are my world!

"TABLE"

Our table tonight was a happy, busy one!
Today is my sister Kerryn's birthday so, in keeping with family tradition, we all gathered around her dining table to celebrate this special day with her.
Mum and Dad were there. Sean and Tan came to celebrate with the life of the party in tow. Milena loves birthdays (as do all three year olds) and keeps us all amused with her advanced acting skills. Mike was there, too. He joined John, Sian, Graeme, Ash and I in singing Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Kerryn!! I hope the coming year sees you laughing often and worrying less! You deserve it!
It was a jolly 'table' tonight!

"TOGETHER"

My favourite things to do are the things we do together.
This is not a new thing! My favourite holidays have been the car trips where John, Sian, Jake and myself were all in the car together for a road trip. In the year 2000 I took long service leave and we travelled up through the middle of New South Wales, into Queensland and then back down the east coast. It was fantastic!!
There were many highlights on that trip! The joy and excitement on the kids' faces when they realised that, at the tender ages of 9 and 10, they were allowed to pilot the the little golf buggy that took us around the Dubbo zoo. The fun they had in the pool with cousins they barely knew on the Gold Coast. The thrill of the rides at the theme parks in Queensland. The brilliant fireworks display at The Entrance that heralded the arrival of the Paralympics torch. The tick found in Jake's hair at Port Macquarie. Missing school!!!
Three years later we did a road trip around Tasmania, again with all four of us. And again, these were great times with lots of laughs and fun together. There was the adventure (and then the boredom) of the trip on "The Spirit of Tasmania". There was the joy of seeing all the little baby sea dragons at Beauty Point and the ensuing desire to have one for a pet. There was the encounter with the funny Frenchman at Bicheno and the humourous discoveries made amidst the tiny Hobart display in Richmond.
They were great times...together!
Even mundane things like gardening and cooking are better if done together.
I still love those 'together' trips...there may be less of us but the 'togetherness' is still delightful!

"HERO"

The Apple dictionary attached to this computer defines 'hero' as a noun meaning "a person, typically a man, who is admired or idealised for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities."
I was going to object to the sexist nature of this definition but then realised that there is a feminine term for this word so that would explain the gender reference.
But, who do I see as a hero?
I believe that Jim Stynes was truly a hero. He was admired by many, he showed definite courage in the face of adversity, he achieved a great deal in his lifetime and he showed 'noble qualities' in the way he was able to stay so positive when his whole world was in dire straits.
I recently read Anh Do's autobiography and I think he too was a 'hero'. He is able to look at the many tough times he and his family faced with laughter and humour. He has risen above his years of poverty and faced life with amazing resilience and a determination to succeed.
I think my Mum is a hero, in the feminine form of course! After raising ten children, two of whom have intellectual disabilities of some form or another, she is now bringing up two teenage grandsons whilst also living with a husband whose memory is slowly deteriorating. We all know that she does it tough! Some weeks I'm sure she is ready to throw in the towel but she is made of stronger stuff than that. She still manages to be there for us if we need her! She still manages to discipline her grandsons who are just beginning to show their teenage rebellious natures. She still manages to run a well-managed household. She can still have a laugh with us all. And she is always able to let us know in a million ways that she loves us no matter what! A true 'hero'.

"BLACK AND WHITE"

Nothing is just 'black and white'! Life and death are not that simple!
Death doesn't just mean that someone is gone from your life! Firstly, there is the details of their lives to sort out...bank details, death certificates, cause of death, superannuation, car payments, phone bills, etc, etc, etc. Then there is the ripple effect that their departure causes...emotional instability, inconsolable grief, months/years missing from some of our lives, heartache and, in some cases, lives changed forever.
Life is not 'black and white' either!
Relationships are never simple. They take consideration, compensation, give and take and commitment. They need nurturing to make them 'fit' both parties. I don't think any of us is perfect so a good relationship takes tolerance and a preparedness to accept the failings of the other party. However, there is also a need to listen to the needs and desires of your partner and to act accordingly and with respect.
Life should be colourful! It should be filled with the people you love and with happy times together! Nothing is just 'black and white".

"SOMETHING YOU DO MOST WEEKENDS"

My weekends are free to spend with my little family these days. I don't have to do a work program as I don't work on Mondays or Tuesdays so my days are free to spend with the people I love most in the world.
We usually don't do much! A breakfast or a lunch together. Some housework or some gardening. Relaxing in front of the TV. A cuppa with Sean and a laugh with Milena. A drive here or there. Sometimes a visit with Mum and Dad. A cuddle with my girl...(not just reserved for weekends though)!
John cooks breakfast of bacon and eggs on either of the weekend days and I drink many more cups of tea on weekends than I usually do. Only because John has to keep up his average of 14 cuppas a day so I often partake in one with him!...not 14 though...I would slosh!
I like my weekends!

"AT NIGHT"

I often lie awake at night with a million thoughts running around in my head. I know..."man's greatest enemy is his mind". It's true...even for women!
There are nights when I just can't sleep because I'm hot or just restless...I presume it's my age!
It's 'at night' that Mum's all over the world are only half asleep just waiting for the blessed relief that comes in the form of the front door opening to a son or daughter safely home from a night out.
But, there are the other nights when my nightmare day plays itself over and over in my head, and thoughts of the anguish and despair that ended a life too soon become a mother's burden. These are the sleepless nights!
It's 'at night' that the mind is let loose.
Bring on the release of day!

"NATURAL"

Last week we took 150 kids to Healesville Sanctuary. I hadn't been there since our kids were much younger. What a great place!!
Even with that many kids in tow it was so nice to be in that natural bushland. The sanctuary has been really well maintained with natural bush settings for each enclosure and plenty of open spaces for those creatures that need it.
The Great Birds of Flight show was simply awesome! We had Jess the Wedge-Tailed Eagle swooping just centimetres from our heads as well as cockatoos, galahs, parrots, hawks and even an Australian buzzard. Jess has been around for 20 years. All the birds were kept in 'natural' surroundings but are very highly trained. Fantastic!
We had a classroom experience where the kids were able to pat a tawny frogmouth, a possum and a snake. They got to watch and listen to the frogmouth crunching as it ate it's lunch of two mice. How 'natural'!

"EVERY DAY"

'Every day' I look forward to seeing the faces of my daughter and husband. I anxiously await their demeanor as it will tell me whether or not they are happy and content. That's the way I like to see them looking. I know it can't always be like that but it certainly makes me happy and less worried if I know they are having the best day possible.
I know...I'm a worry wart!! I have always been inclined that way but it is worse now and 'every day' I have to try to let go just a little bit more. Sometimes it's one step up and two steps back but the effort is definitely there.
The days when John comes home full of the tales of business successes and when Sian bounces in the door and joins cheerfully in our banter... these are my happiest 'every days".

"BRIGHT"

How appropriate to have this topic after the power has been off for five hours.
I don't remember that happening since the kids were little and we had a night of candle-lit board games and story-telling. A sweet memory!
The wind has certainly caused a bit of havoc today. It was wild! I was in the study today when I happened to glance out the window just as a giant gum tree came crashing to the ground. Sian didn't go to uni as the road was apparently very dangerous with trees down and things blowing all over the road. Gippsland Uni was shut down!
It was quite disconcerting seeing 'bright' lights all over the other side of Warragul whilst we were cloaked in darkness. It's more often the other way around...we still have power when theirs' goes out!
It's funny how we miss the 'bright' lights of the computers and phones and things once we can't use them though!
And, don't you just love the cheer that everyone lets out when all is 'bright' again?

"IN THE MAIL"

John has always wanted a boat!!
Well, today he got a ship!
Sian and I bought him a model sailing ship for Father's Day but  it didn't quite arrive in time. It arrived today and we were anxiously awaiting his response once he had opened it! He has often voiced a desire to build a model sailing ship but it is often a different matter to actually receive one.
This one was received very well!
It should keep him occupied for many hours as even the hull is seperate planks and each sail has to be painstakingly rigged with thin cotton strands.
It is a model of the bark "Endeavour".

Happy Father's day to Sian's best Dad and to the father of all our beautiful children! We love you xxx

"FAR AWAY"

I'm sure that I will feel very worried when my girl is in the USA for a holiday next year. It is so 'far away". But, I also know that it is just what she needs and she will have a ball!
Some of my sisters live so 'far away'. It would be nice to see them more often but I know they have their own established lives in these distant places. I guess it seems even further when things are not going the way we think they should in our lives.
When my nieces and nephews have been on their overseas jaunts to 'far away' places it has been really lovely to be able to communicate with them through Facebook and to see the pics of their adventures. Many people have voiced their negative opinions of this social media outlet but when it is used for sharing a laugh and an adventure, or even a private chat it is wonderful!!
It is only those who share their every move and their piddly gripes in public that make it socially 'unacceptable'.
I love that it brings those who are 'far away' right back into my space!!

"FATHER"

My father will be 80 next month. He is showing all the signs that let the world and those close to him know that he is now an old man. His memory is fading, his hearing is almost non-existent and he is a little uncertain on his feet. He gets his words mixed up and can't do the everyday things that he thinks he can. It's sad to watch really.
He has always been a man who is well-liked by all who know him. He has never said a bad word about anyone and could probably be described as easy-going and even-tempered. He has always been the community member who would say yes whenever anything needed doing and, consequently, there came a time when his heart told him that he had to be less compliant.
His family history told a story of high blood pressure and heart attacks at 60. Dad was no exception, he had the heart attack at 60 and has always been troubled with blood pressure problems. But, in his case and unlike his father and most of his brothers, he lived! And we are the lucky ones!!
We have had 20 more years to love him and to be supported through our times of need.
I myself have had the pleasure and reassurance of his strong hold as his arms held me for a cuddle in my darkest hours. His words have sometimes been muddled but they have had meaning and calmness at just the right times.
My Dad is a gentle man with amazing physical strength for someone of his age. He may be old and his addled words and memory may at times be frustrating both to himself and to his family but he is my Dad and I wouldn't want for any other. We could all take a few leaves out of his book!
I love you, Dad!xxx

September 2nd, 2017
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the first ever without my Dad. Sadly, the world lost this beautiful man on April 19th. However, I know that I am one of the lucky ones! I have had the pleasure of 60 years with a Dad who was the best! The memories we made together will be cherished in my heart forever. Thank you, Dad for always being there when I needed you, for your wisdom and strength, for your unending love, your smile and your stoicism. Keep smiling, Dad!  I love you!

"ME, NOW"

I'm not the same person I used to be.
I have always thought of myself as emotionally strong and sort of cool, calm and collected. Most of the time that is still me.
But, it doesn't take much to burst that illusion and everything falls apart.
In the past twelve months I have been known to cry for an hour because I broke a cup, fall in a heap because an ambulance sped past in the same direction as Sian had taken, cry in the middle of a song (whilst still dancing) and growl at the dog because he got in the way.
It makes me feel stupid, and I hate that I am like that, but it seems to have taken hold. Hopefully, it won't be like that forever as there are things about 'me, now' that I really don't like!
However, this 'me, now' is loving part-time teaching, is enjoying spending time with my girl and my husband, is happy in my new house and has taken up blogging as a very successful form of personal therapy.
"Me, now' is ok!!

"HIDDEN"

This week has been a real surprise as far as teaching goes. I have found 'hidden' talents in several children.
One little boy (not in my grade but working with me in a double class activity) comes from a family where intellectual disability is rife, Mum and Dad can't get him to school so he is often picked up by teachers and he is obviously disadvantaged financially. He is a very quiet boy, softly spoken but very pleasant. The other day he instantly solved a difficult number problem in his head and then clearly verbalised his thought processes. His written work is apparently displaying above average tendencies and he is gaining more and more confidence. Regular attendance is clearly suiting him down to the ground.
One of my little Grade 2 girls has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum disorder and memory problems. You think she is 'away with the fairies' when all of a sudden she will join in with a money activity by telling the class that if we need nine 10 cent coins to make 90cents, then we can also use eighteen 5cent coins. I wish these 'hidden' talents would come out of hiding a bit more often!
Another little boy with very irregular attendance has had me fooled. His 'hidden' talent lies in the fact that he has lead me to believe that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth...until now!!
The other day he told me that he wouldn't be at school the next day as he had a dental appointment at 9.00. I then suggested that he could come back to school after that but he said that Mum had made an appointment to have his haircut after the dentist. But when talking to his Mum later that day she knew nothing about either of those appointments! I have since caught him out in several more lies.
And I thought I could pick them!!!

"CARD"

The last one!

"DOWN"

Our little house is 'down' in a valley. It's a lovely little house with a good 'feel' about it! The only 'down' side is that telephone reception can be a bit poor at times.
Three times a week Sian drives 'down' to Berwick to attend her uni classes. She seems to be enjoying her course and the fact that uni is a part-time affair. She works hard though, and is often found in a 'head down, bottom up' pose in the study!
I'm finding it a bit harder to be 'down' on the floor with the kids at school these days! I can do it but my knee doesn't like it and my body groans and lets me know how unfit I am!! My own fault!!
I love that John now works just 'down' the street. He is close to home and I often nick 'down' to see him on my days off!
Get 'down'!!!

"CLOCK"

When Sian and Jake were little they used to hide the electric clocks in their bedrooms on Christmas Eve. Their theory was that if there was no time then Christmas was bound to come quicker. I didn't know about this until recently but I think it was a clever plan. Not only did it appear to them that Christmas came quicker but they couldn't suffer the interminable sleeplessness that comes from clock-watching!
When Jake was 2 or 3 we taught him to tell the time. He didn't ever seem to need much sleep and would wake at 5.30 or 6.00 every morning. This was a little early for us...especially after he had probably kept us awake half the night...so we taught him to recognise 7.30am. on the analogue clock. He was not allowed to come out of his room until that time. He could play quietly in his room but was not to come out. This worked really well!!
I couldn't ever believe that he was such a poor sleeper through the night, would wake early in the
morning AND did not have a daytime sleep!!

"TAP"

Lately I can turn the tears on and off like a tap.
I hate it! It's not me!! I've never been a sook and I have always hated losing control!
(That's the Primary school teacher coming out in me...we are all a little bit controlling!)
Some days the tap seems to drip. It's hard to turn off and it doesn't take much to pour uncontrollably.
But, there are a lot of days when the tap doesn't drip, it doesn't even turn on. The tap runs dry!
Those are the days when we all cope better.
One dripping tap in this household seems to let loose a barrage of dripping taps. It's not pleasant and we sometimes seem to be tiptoeing around each others' emotions.
I wish it wasn't that way but I can understand why it is! I sometimes think it would be just easier to let the emotions pour out and we would all learn to deal with it!! But, it's not that easy! No-one likes to see those we love hurting so its natural to try to appease the pain of those close to us!
We are doing well most days and all of us have become sponges ready to soak up the mess after the tap drips yet again!

"DREAM"

When I was much younger some of my dreams would come true.
I remember when my Mum was pregnant with her tenth child. I already had seven sisters and one brother but I had a dream that this new sibling would be a boy and that he would be born ten days after his due date. My dream came true but it was out by ten minutes. Sean was born ten minutes after midnight on the eleventh day past his due date!! Not bad.
I also had a dream about my Papa's death. He had been sick in hospital for quite a while but I still remember dreaming that he would pass away the following day...and he did!! It was probably expected but I recall feeling a little guilty that I had actually dreamed it.
My dreams are unwanted these days!
They are often quite vivid and bring back memories of a moment in my life that I never want to go through again!
Other people tell me about seeing Jake in their dreams and how great it is to see him.
I wish I could have those dreams!!

"FRESH"

Mmmmm...'fresh' soup for dinner with warm dinner rolls.
Sometimes quick and easy is just as good
... and really yummy!

"PATH"

The path's a bit rocky at the moment! There's a few potholes here and there and the ride is quite bumpy!
How come other people seem to find the smoother route? Do they pay higher taxes? Do they line someone's palm with gold? Were they saints in a previous life? I know... there's a bit of self-pity creeping in lately!! But, sometimes it all just seems that my path is pretty rough!!
But...we'll get there!! I'm not sure where 'there' is yet but I think it will have smooth paths and sunny days and lots of smiles.
We have a little path in our ready-made garden which didn't ever go anywhere. It's a pretty garden but the addition of the water feature which my family gave to us on Jake's 21st birthday has really added to it's appeal. Now the little path has a purpose!
The water feature trickles through a series of bowls and is meant as a reminder of Jake's love of water. He loved sitting beside a river just listening or throwing a few rocks or dangling a line.
It's lovely!

"PAIR"

I think John and I are a good pair!! And then we made a good pair and then we made another good pair!!
First we produced a pair of beautiful twin boys. We named them Toby John and Nicholas Adam. They were identical! They were born on January 24th, 1989 by caesarean section and were full term. Toby weighed 6lb 12oz and Nicholas weighed 6lb 10oz. Good weights for twins!! Sadly, Nick was stillborn and Toby lived for only a day. There was never an explanation for their unexpected demise but, we got to hold our beautiful 'pair' of boys and we even got to say goodbye to little Toby!
Less than a year later we had Sian Ellen, our little ray of sunshine! She was followed 19 months later by her baby brother, Jacob Anton! As many people told us, "You have a 'pigeon pair'!" (Where does that term come from?)
We count ourselves lucky every day for the times we have had with our children and for the times we are still to have with our beautiful girl.
We may not have had long with our boys but we had smiles and we had laughter and we felt their presence in many ways. We felt the joy of knowing you have conceived a child. We felt the shock and overwhelming joy of knowing you are carrying two babies at once...a 'pair'!!We had twenty years of smiles and hugs and music and laughter with our Jake.
We look forward to a future with a daughter who is fun and unique and who has strength and wisdom beyond her years!
We are a lucky pair!!!

"HOME"

I love home!! I'm very much a 'home' body and would prefer to be home than anywhere else in the world!
The house we live in now became a 'home' in no time...it just felt right from the moment the three of us first looked at it with the intention of purchasing a new abode.
I think there are several things that make a house a 'home' and, with the exception of the first one, they may be different for everybody. I see the following as my priorities in making somewhere 'home':

• Family... doesn't really matter where it is as long as your family is there with you.
• Comfort... it has to 'feel' right.
• Light... I love a place with sunshine pouring through the windows, especially in the mornings.
• Cosiness... I prefer a place that has a cosy feel about it rather than big, open spaces.
• Lived-in... my 'home' will always have that 'lived-in' feel because I am not a fastidious housekeeper.

 HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS!!

"COOL"

I remember thinking I was really 'cool' as a 19 year old when I owned a pair of high wedged sandals. And, do you know what? They would even be 'cool' right now!
It's funny how fashions do a complete circle. They are revamped a little but basically the same! Some of the shoes in the shops today are just what I was wearing 35 years ago!!

My Mum is 'cool' for a 75 year-old! She loves her iPad, is an avid Facebook user and manages to keep up with twin teenage boys and a little 3-year old grand daughter!

Today, the cool weather took a break and allowed the pre-Spring sunshine to strut it's stuff! That was 'cool'! I'm quite sure our cool weather isn't over yet though!

I definitely don't have a 'cool' body but I do enjoy having a little pool to 'cool' off in on the hot summer days!! The trees around the border of our property have all regained their leaves by then and privacy is assured. That's 'cool'!!

"TODAY"

Today is a Monday so I didn't have to go to work. The decision to return to work on only a part-time basis was probably the best decision I made after Jake's death. It just feels right to be doing a job I still love whilst allowing myself some time to spend with Sian (who is at uni so her hours are only part-time) and some time for me!! I love it!!
Today we went out to visit my Mum and Dad, I did a bit of pruning in the garden, I caught up on some housework and I did some research for work. But I did it all in my own time.
Yes, I earn less money but my priorities have changed. The money is not important!! My family is!!