"DREAMS..."

Like any parent, I have dreams for my children and their future.
I dream that their world will be happy and safe and healthy.
I dream that they will find true love and contentment with a partner who treats them well, communicates easily and loves them unconditionally.
I dream that they will realise that the world owes them nothing but that they have to work for the things that they desire and that not all their wants will come easily or even eventuate at all.
I dream that they will be able to weather the storms of life as not everything in life is pleasant.
I dream that these storms will not be catastrophic for them!
I dream that they will become parents themselves and know the intensity of love that comes with having your own child.
I dream the best that life can give!!

I have all these dreams and more for my wonderful 'little' girl! I think some of them have or are starting to eventuate. But I know that there is a long road ahead for her. At the moment, her road looks relatively smooth and I can only hope that this is her main highway to Life! She deserves it!!

I had the same dreams for my boys too! Those dreams were cut way too short for Toby and Nicholas...although their little lives were probably happy and safe for the most part.

I had the same dreams for  you too, Jake!
Your future looked bright and full of promise. It already held love and fun. It held laughter and friendship and a promising career.
But, we won't get to watch you bringing up your own children. We won't get to hold them and share your joy in their milestones. Sian won't get to be an aunty for any of her sibling's children.
Three years ago you spoke of your future dreams...yes, you had them too!
This was to be your year of travel! You had Europe in your sights and were determined to include Belgium in your itinerary and find the Chateau de Berloz from whence your ancestors originated. I wish that dream could have come true for you!
Tomorrow is Mothers Day! But it also marks three years since you left our world so I celebrated being a Mum last weekend ... it's just way too hard to try celebrating being a Mum when it also marks a remembrance of the worst day of my life!
I know in my heart that some of my dreams for you have come true! You are now safe and happy and healthy! You knew love and you held a promising career!
Perhaps, for you, it was enough!!
I love you Jake and always will! Be happy! xxx

"I REMEMBER WHEN..."

Dear Dad,
Although we are still able to see you and hug you, our chats are often nonsensical and random, your eyes sometimes hold clues that indicate you are not really understanding what is going on around you and your words often come out wrong. But, you are still our precious Dad!! It is hard to watch as a man with such gentleness and intelligence is reduced to rambling conversations which don't make sense and wanderings which are at odds with the rest of the world. But our memories of you as 'our Dad' will remain forever in our hearts.

I remember when:

• you had a thick, curly mop of dark hair on your head.
• you would wake early every morning to milk the cows. You never, ever tried to be quiet! You would stomp down the passageway to the kitchen, past all of our bedrooms, the radio would go on, the doors would bang shut and you would be singing songs like "Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do..."
• Mum would sit Michael next to you at the dinner table so he would behave! I always found this to be quite puzzling as we were more scared of Mum's wrath than yours!
• You were always the first one to jump up and help out during Mass if a reader was needed or a collection plate needed to be passed around or someone else was needed to do the Offertory Procession.
• You would give Mum a little cuddle in the kitchen. I was always so proud that my Mum and Dad were not afraid to show their love like that!
• Christmas Day would loom with the possibility that you would still be 'doing' hay!
• You knew all of your cows by name.
• You had shingles at the same time as all of us had chicken pox...poor Mum must have been run off her feet!
• You would call out to one of us girls and end up calling every one of us...too many girls?
• You would spend hours tending your veggies in the garden.
• Your kind-heartedness meant that you could never say no to lending a helping hand in our small-town community. You were on every committee possible and everyone loved you!
• You would read the newspaper at the breakfast table...until Michael started copying you and Mum put a stop to it!!
• You would raise your voice to one or other of us! It was then that we knew we had gone too far as it didn't happen often!
•  We learned that you had cancer in one of your kidneys and my world turned upside-down at the thought of a world without you in it.
• You held our precious twin boys and consoled me in my grief.
• You were able to hold me and say just the right thing when, twenty-two years later, we mourned the loss of yet another son.

I will always remember you as a loving, gentle man with a heart of gold. A man who never speaks ill of anyone. A man who I am proud to call my Dad! Happy Father's day, Dad! I love you to the moon and back!  xxx

"B is FOR..."

B is for Barry. And beautiful. And bugger!
My beautiful Dad, Barry has been afflicted with dementia! It's a bugger!
My gentle, no-nonsense, handle-everything Dad is now in a constant state of confusion. It is rare to be able to carry on a conversation which remains on track. He often won't recognise some of his grandchildren. He wakes at all hours and is instantly transported back to his days of milking cows and dancing to Notman's band in local halls. He becomes uncharacteristically snappy and frustrated and cannot understand why he has been given this diagnosis.
I have to admit that I am not handling it real well! I sort of didnt realise that until I was chatting to my Mum the other day! I was trying to convince her of things that she wasn't ready for with regards to Dad's care. But, as she inadvertantly made me see, it is I who is not ready!!
I feel guilty!
He is my Dad and I love him to bits! But, I have come to the realisation that I just couldn't handle something happening to him while I was looking after him!
I have lost three sons and, although I know that Dad has had a long, fruitful and happy life, I am just not ready for the inevitable and I am REALLY not ready for anything to go wrong while on my watch.
I know that's not fair on Mum in particular, or on any of my siblings! I know that airing this in public is not the best way to go.
But, for me, it is an admission!
I'm scared!
I don't think I could handle another tragedy or disaster.
I can support Mum in other ways. I can talk to Dad...he listens to me! I can visit and offer support and understanding! I can admire the strength and endurance Mum is being forced to show throughout this tough time...I just don't know about offering respite or care. 
So, to my family....Please understand!
I'll get there...I'm just not ready yet!

"STARS"...

'My stars' shine brightly in the sky on those crisp, clear nights when sitting outside involves gazing silently...and longingly...upward.
After Toby and Nick died, we designated the two pointers (the two stars which point to the Southern Cross) as "our boys".
Then, two years ago, we lost our third son Jake, and needed a star to 'be his'. We gave a star on the Southern Cross (the one that is closest to the pointers) his name so that we can always see the three of them together.
However, I secretly look for that first, bright star of the night and am reminded of him.
He was always bright and shining. His smile could light up the room and he was the 'life of the party' to us and all his mates.
He is my 'evening star'!
Tomorrow will mark two years since his death and two years since stars and photos and rainbows and memories have been all we will ever have! Two years that can feel like eternity and yesterday at the very same time!
We have spent a lot of years gazing upward and remembering. I wish it could have been different!

"At last..."

Well Jake, after 23 months of nightmares and sleepless nights you have finally appeared, in a minor role, in a dream which didn't cause me consternation!!
Margie Wood had assured me that my nightmares would eventually be replaced with dreams in which I could relive the happy times you shared with us!
I can't recall seeing your face in my dreams last night but I clearly heard your beautiful voice as you asked me some questions about the apps on my phone. I realise that that would never happen in reality, as I am the one who is technologically inept in this household, but it was SO good to hear you again!
Perhaps the day will come when my sleeping hours can be filled with visions of my smiling, handsome lad again! I look forward to it!

#20..."SOMETHING I SAW"..........

We called into a little cafe in Kilmore on our way home from Echuca today. Imagine our surprise when we went to the toilet and found not one but two toilets in the same room. Just in case you want to piddle with a friend!!

#19..."DELICIOUS"..........

'Had' to go out for breakfast during our stay in Echuca and I just 'had' to order these 'delicious' berries to satisfy my fruit craving. Yummm!