Seven

"Seven". Your favourite response to any question you couldn't answer or couldn't be bothered answering. Usually the latter.
It seems an appropriate response now though.
Tomorrow marks seven years since you left us and I think I have a case of "The Seven Year Itch".
This has nothing to do with my marriage but everything to do with missing you.
I have an 'itch' to see you again but I'm not ready to join you, not for a long time yet, I hope! And yet there is no way I could settle for my wish being granted any other way. You see, if I were able to have you back again it would have to be forever, because I couldn't lose you again!! So I choose to stay in a world with my man and my girl, where I am happy and surrounded by people who love me. A world that would be even happier if you were in it too.
I have an 'itch' to know where you would be in life. Where would that seven years have taken you if you were still here? Would you have fulfilled your desire to travel? Would you still be persecuted by a gambling addiction that creates turmoil in your mind? Would you still light up a room as soon as you entered? Would you be married? Would you have kids? Where would you be living? Where would you be working? Would you have had a haircut?
Your teddy bear, named "Seven" sits in our room as a constant reminder of the soft side of you.
Seven is the magic age when all your nightmares stopped.
But in some ways your seven year anniversary holds a bit more angst than usual. You see, after seven years you can no longer make application to view public records such as those that would have been created by the police department after your death. A part of me has always wanted to look at those records but I have to lay that to rest now. Another part of me always held back as viewing those records involved the responses of other people, not just myself. And that wouldn't be fair! It also wouldn't change anything!
Seven years is a long time and yet it seems like yesterday! Its a long time to have missed you and its a long time since I held you and spoke to you and laid eyes upon you. And yet the nightmare of your passing seems as fresh in my mind as it was seven years ago!
But seven years hasn't diminished the love I have for you, Jake! Tomorrow we'll make Wattle Stump in your honour. Rest easy Little Man! I love you! xx

First Christmas

Of course,  its not my first Christmas but it is the first Christmas without my Dad to share it with us! It will be different, and it certainly is a reminder of all those missing from our celebrations!
Dad will be sharing a first 'heavenly' Christmas with his sister and his sister-in-law who also left us this year but will have many others to make his day a happy one! His parents and many of his siblings, his three grandsons and many others are now seasoned celestial party-goers and are sure to show him the ropes.
I'm also sure that he will be sharing his love with all of us here. He would want us to celebrate with laughter and love and lots of merriment...the way it has always been! He taught us to appreciate the life we have and always made Christmas Day special!
So someone else will have to carve the meat this year! And, although we will all enjoy Mum's Christmas pudding, no-one will ever enjoy it as much as he did! Another chair will be missing from our table and another hug will be gone from our Christmas greetings but my Dad will be looking down upon us with love and pride! He did a great job!

"DREAMS..."

Like any parent, I have dreams for my children and their future.
I dream that their world will be happy and safe and healthy.
I dream that they will find true love and contentment with a partner who treats them well, communicates easily and loves them unconditionally.
I dream that they will realise that the world owes them nothing but that they have to work for the things that they desire and that not all their wants will come easily or even eventuate at all.
I dream that they will be able to weather the storms of life as not everything in life is pleasant.
I dream that these storms will not be catastrophic for them!
I dream that they will become parents themselves and know the intensity of love that comes with having your own child.
I dream the best that life can give!!

I have all these dreams and more for my wonderful 'little' girl! I think some of them have or are starting to eventuate. But I know that there is a long road ahead for her. At the moment, her road looks relatively smooth and I can only hope that this is her main highway to Life! She deserves it!!

I had the same dreams for my boys too! Those dreams were cut way too short for Toby and Nicholas...although their little lives were probably happy and safe for the most part.

I had the same dreams for  you too, Jake!
Your future looked bright and full of promise. It already held love and fun. It held laughter and friendship and a promising career.
But, we won't get to watch you bringing up your own children. We won't get to hold them and share your joy in their milestones. Sian won't get to be an aunty for any of her sibling's children.
Three years ago you spoke of your future dreams...yes, you had them too!
This was to be your year of travel! You had Europe in your sights and were determined to include Belgium in your itinerary and find the Chateau de Berloz from whence your ancestors originated. I wish that dream could have come true for you!
Tomorrow is Mothers Day! But it also marks three years since you left our world so I celebrated being a Mum last weekend ... it's just way too hard to try celebrating being a Mum when it also marks a remembrance of the worst day of my life!
I know in my heart that some of my dreams for you have come true! You are now safe and happy and healthy! You knew love and you held a promising career!
Perhaps, for you, it was enough!!
I love you Jake and always will! Be happy! xxx

"I REMEMBER WHEN..."

Dear Dad,
Although we are still able to see you and hug you, our chats are often nonsensical and random, your eyes sometimes hold clues that indicate you are not really understanding what is going on around you and your words often come out wrong. But, you are still our precious Dad!! It is hard to watch as a man with such gentleness and intelligence is reduced to rambling conversations which don't make sense and wanderings which are at odds with the rest of the world. But our memories of you as 'our Dad' will remain forever in our hearts.

I remember when:

• you had a thick, curly mop of dark hair on your head.
• you would wake early every morning to milk the cows. You never, ever tried to be quiet! You would stomp down the passageway to the kitchen, past all of our bedrooms, the radio would go on, the doors would bang shut and you would be singing songs like "Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do..."
• Mum would sit Michael next to you at the dinner table so he would behave! I always found this to be quite puzzling as we were more scared of Mum's wrath than yours!
• You were always the first one to jump up and help out during Mass if a reader was needed or a collection plate needed to be passed around or someone else was needed to do the Offertory Procession.
• You would give Mum a little cuddle in the kitchen. I was always so proud that my Mum and Dad were not afraid to show their love like that!
• Christmas Day would loom with the possibility that you would still be 'doing' hay!
• You knew all of your cows by name.
• You had shingles at the same time as all of us had chicken pox...poor Mum must have been run off her feet!
• You would call out to one of us girls and end up calling every one of us...too many girls?
• You would spend hours tending your veggies in the garden.
• Your kind-heartedness meant that you could never say no to lending a helping hand in our small-town community. You were on every committee possible and everyone loved you!
• You would read the newspaper at the breakfast table...until Michael started copying you and Mum put a stop to it!!
• You would raise your voice to one or other of us! It was then that we knew we had gone too far as it didn't happen often!
•  We learned that you had cancer in one of your kidneys and my world turned upside-down at the thought of a world without you in it.
• You held our precious twin boys and consoled me in my grief.
• You were able to hold me and say just the right thing when, twenty-two years later, we mourned the loss of yet another son.

I will always remember you as a loving, gentle man with a heart of gold. A man who never speaks ill of anyone. A man who I am proud to call my Dad! Happy Father's day, Dad! I love you to the moon and back!  xxx

"B is FOR..."

B is for Barry. And beautiful. And bugger!
My beautiful Dad, Barry has been afflicted with dementia! It's a bugger!
My gentle, no-nonsense, handle-everything Dad is now in a constant state of confusion. It is rare to be able to carry on a conversation which remains on track. He often won't recognise some of his grandchildren. He wakes at all hours and is instantly transported back to his days of milking cows and dancing to Notman's band in local halls. He becomes uncharacteristically snappy and frustrated and cannot understand why he has been given this diagnosis.
I have to admit that I am not handling it real well! I sort of didnt realise that until I was chatting to my Mum the other day! I was trying to convince her of things that she wasn't ready for with regards to Dad's care. But, as she inadvertantly made me see, it is I who is not ready!!
I feel guilty!
He is my Dad and I love him to bits! But, I have come to the realisation that I just couldn't handle something happening to him while I was looking after him!
I have lost three sons and, although I know that Dad has had a long, fruitful and happy life, I am just not ready for the inevitable and I am REALLY not ready for anything to go wrong while on my watch.
I know that's not fair on Mum in particular, or on any of my siblings! I know that airing this in public is not the best way to go.
But, for me, it is an admission!
I'm scared!
I don't think I could handle another tragedy or disaster.
I can support Mum in other ways. I can talk to Dad...he listens to me! I can visit and offer support and understanding! I can admire the strength and endurance Mum is being forced to show throughout this tough time...I just don't know about offering respite or care. 
So, to my family....Please understand!
I'll get there...I'm just not ready yet!

"STARS"...

'My stars' shine brightly in the sky on those crisp, clear nights when sitting outside involves gazing silently...and longingly...upward.
After Toby and Nick died, we designated the two pointers (the two stars which point to the Southern Cross) as "our boys".
Then, two years ago, we lost our third son Jake, and needed a star to 'be his'. We gave a star on the Southern Cross (the one that is closest to the pointers) his name so that we can always see the three of them together.
However, I secretly look for that first, bright star of the night and am reminded of him.
He was always bright and shining. His smile could light up the room and he was the 'life of the party' to us and all his mates.
He is my 'evening star'!
Tomorrow will mark two years since his death and two years since stars and photos and rainbows and memories have been all we will ever have! Two years that can feel like eternity and yesterday at the very same time!
We have spent a lot of years gazing upward and remembering. I wish it could have been different!

"At last..."

Well Jake, after 23 months of nightmares and sleepless nights you have finally appeared, in a minor role, in a dream which didn't cause me consternation!!
Margie Wood had assured me that my nightmares would eventually be replaced with dreams in which I could relive the happy times you shared with us!
I can't recall seeing your face in my dreams last night but I clearly heard your beautiful voice as you asked me some questions about the apps on my phone. I realise that that would never happen in reality, as I am the one who is technologically inept in this household, but it was SO good to hear you again!
Perhaps the day will come when my sleeping hours can be filled with visions of my smiling, handsome lad again! I look forward to it!